Hello folks!
A friend recently pointed out to me how my imposter syndrome did not just start recently — while engaging with researchers and other scholars — but long back when I discontinued writing. She’s not wrong. Somehow, I always thought that I would come around, that it was just a writer’s block, that I would get better. And in some ways, I did. Grad school ensured that I engaged in a lot of writing. It developed in me the kind of critical thinking that I wish I were trained in since school. And with critical thinking, came a whole different perspective of looking at the world.
I have been writing on and off since I was 10 years old. The oldest writing I remember are journal entries of a lonely, lost kid, trying to make sense of the right and fair. Just tracing my writing journey is an eye-opening experience. 3 years ago, if you made me read those journal entries, I would have whined and complained about the unfairness of it all, and sympathized with the kid. Today, after 2 years of grad school education, when I look at those entries, I see how lack of access (to information, technology, other resources), and classism, capitalism, colorism, and sexism+misogyny led to such a heartbreaking storyline. It’s like a never-ending reel of bad dreams.
I entered grad school with the hope to learn how to “make people’s lives better.” In the two years, I invested a lot of time in research on lives of people with disabilities – I engaged with people from different walks of life, of varied demographic, learned about their daily lives, their use (and non-use!) of technologies in different contexts, the negotiations of power they actively participate in, and their aspirations and dreams. I expressed my interest in further learning, understanding and improving their lives for the better to several people, and in doing so, I realized how I had been looking at this through the ableistic lens all along. I then actively started engaging in texts on disability activism and its history. The more I learned, the more I realized the power I held, being in this research space. This scared me (because, let’s be real, not a lot of kindness has come from those in power). A wise man then pointed out to me how my understanding of myself was so grossly incorrect – I had been learning, engaging in, and producing knowledge, and that right there had the power to change the accessibility research landscape. So, writing. It always goes back to writing.
In writing, I have found growth. Doing research is my way of understanding myself and this world better. It is an attempt, to soothe the 10-year-old Srujana, not that everything gets better, but that you understand everything better. That you grow. And growing into yourself may be painful — but not growing is the greatest disservice you would ever do to yourself.
So! I’ve decided to continue blogging here. I will mostly engage in thinking of the world from a critical lens but also make an attempt at creative, light-hearted writing from time to time. Ciao!
Writerfell 